Tips for Quick Stress Relief

This week I’m excited to share one of the most thorough and practical articles I’ve seen on stress and how to deal with it.

I had never heard of using your senses to fight stress, but it makes sense. That’s just one of a panoply of ideas presented in the article.

Most of my stress comes from my own thoughts, rather than what’s happening in the present moment.

I learned from this article that focusing on specific sensory stimuli, like petting a dog or cat, or tasting something wonderful, is an effective way to combat stress.

The article encourages readers to think about their own personal response to stress, rather than assuming stress is the same for everybody.

It’s a good read, chock-full of practical tips. You can find it at this link:

Stress Relief in the Moment: Using Your Senses to Quickly Change Your Response to Stress

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Stop Crying, Or I’ll Give You Something to Cry About”

This dad looks like he’s saying, “It’s OK. I’m here with you.”

Did you ever hear these words when you were a kid? Have you said them yourself?

If you were told, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” here’s what you learned:

1. The world is a dangerous place.

If Mommy or Daddy or Grandma or the babysitter threatens to make you cry, what might a stranger do?

Trust is necessary for healthy relationships. Children learn to trust others by experiencing safety with them.

How safe do you feel around others when you’re having strong feelings today?

2. You can control how you feel.

Why would someone tell you to stop crying, unless it was possible?

The instruction to stop implies that you have a choice.

If you were convinced that you could and should control your tears, you must have come to believe you could control your feelings.

Hence a lifetime of feeling bad about yourself for not being able to control your emotions — as if anyone can!

Control your actions if you want, but don’t waste your time struggling to control how you feel.

3. There’s something wrong with crying (and, by association, with being sad).

For some reason, others didn’t like it when you were upset enough to cry.

You were bothering them with your feelings. So much so that they threatened you!

You were either told, or you concluded, that tears are for losers/sissies/babies/wimps/people who don’t mind being totally inappropriate.

How is this message still affecting you?

*   *   *

If you were told to stop crying when you were small, all is not lost. You can still question the validity of the “facts” today.

What if there’s no real punishment for crying (e.g., you won’t be beaten or arrested)?

What if it turns out you simply can’t control your feelings?

What if it’s just not that big a deal if you’re sad, or angry, or scared sometimes?

If all of these were true, how might your life be different?

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Reconnect with Your Authentic Self

If you’ve read any of my other posts categorized under “Constructive Wallowing,” you’ll know how happy and excited I was to read the following post by Tim McAuley.

(It was reblogged by Mary Rogers on her blog, Bipolar Lessons, which is how I came across it.)

In this post, Tim takes on two pieces of common self-help wisdom, “You just have to be positive” and “Just fake it till you make it.”

Tim writes, “Before you can cultivate a positive mindset you must first honor where you are and the journey that brought you here.” He’s so right!

As you may know, I think positive thinking may be harmful to your health for the very reasons Tim gets into; it can separate you from your own experience, cutting you off from your authentic self.

Click on the following link to read Tim’s wonderful post:

Reconnect with Your Authentic Self Instead of Denying Your Feelings | Tiny Buddha.

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What Does “Be Yourself” Mean?

Got a job interview? Going on a first date? Meeting the in-laws?

Just be yourself!

What does that actually mean, though? Since you can’t be anyone else, this advice doesn’t seem to make sense.

It’s like saying, “Just have skin!”

Obviously the idea is to cultivate relaxation and confidence.

We can train ourselves to physically relax, but we can’t choose not to be nervous, and we can’t just decide to feel proud and happy with ourselves.

We can’t choose how we feel.

But maybe there is a way you can “just be yourself” with confidence.

3 Steps to Your Best Self

1. Evaluate your manners. Are you confident that you know when to say “please” and “thank you”?

If Yes, move on to Step 2.

If  No, find a book on basic etiquette and get to work memorizing the rules.

2. Do you listen at least twice as much as you talk?

If Yes, move on to Step 3.

If No, read one of the many articles available on the Internet about how to be a good listener before your next social appearance.

3. You can relax and be yourself because you’ve got everything you need!

Basic courtesy: Check.

If you’ve mastered appreciation (“please” and “thank you”) you have nothing to fear.

Not knowing which fork to use doesn’t make you look bad; failing to express gratitude when someone helps you with it does.

Listening more than you talk: Check.

All sorts of sins are nullified by the magic of good listening. Everyone loves a listener.

Be your listening self and you will become a “people whisperer.”

Don’t worry about your personality. You are inherently interesting as long as you’re being authentic (as opposed to trying to be someone else).

See my post on Breaking the Cycle of Invisibility if you think you have no personality.

On the other hand, if you worry that you’re overbearing, just make sure to follow the steps above. They’ll smooth out any rough edges and enhance your natural charm.

With the 3 steps in place, you can safely be yourself.

A few more tips for being your best self:

• Be your classiest self: Avoid foul language outside the company of truck drivers, sailors or rock musicians
• Be your cleanest self: Practice good hygiene (hair, clothing, teeth, nails, etc.)
• Be your real self: Avoid using alcohol or other drugs to calm your nerves.
• Be your most generous self: More than 30 seconds of talking is a monologue. Always aim for dialogue.
• Be your tallest self: Make good posture a habit for a positive first impression.

Do you have other tips on being yourself? Please share them below!

Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

4 Motivation Killers and What to Do About Them

When it comes to my career, I’m definitely motivated.

As a self-employed therapist, teacher and self-help writer, I’ve always got several pots on the stove, and I rarely lack energy to do what needs to be done.

But when it comes to home improvements… Ehh. Not so much.

Oh, sure, I’d like to rearrange the living room, maybe get some new furniture. Maybe do some painting.

Actually, now that you ask, I’d like to change a lot of things about my living space. But I don’t do anything about it.

Does this mean I lack motivation?

Priorities and Passion

My work has always been far more interesting to me than my home.

I don’t know why, I just know that I have almost limitless energy for my work but only limited oomph to dust the living room. So work is where both time and energy usually go when I’m not socializing, asleep or playing Classic Bejeweled on my phone.

The trouble comes when I’m experiencing those natural doldrums. You know, those times between productive bursts when you’re just kind of hanging out, surfing the Internet keeping tabs on couples who met on The Bachelor, waiting for the next burst of inspiration?

That’s exactly when I do have time for home improvements.

Yet the motivation is still lacking.

I find myself writing a blog post about motivation rather than rearranging the furniture or picking out paint colors.

Hmmm…

Could it be that the things we’re not motivated to do are simply things we have no passion for?

Or is it more complicated than that?

Motivation Killers

I’m always curious when I meet people who tell me they have particular goals that they’re not doing anything to achieve, much like myself with home improvement.

The natural order of life is that we move forward. We reach for our goals in the absence of obstacles.

So what are the obstacles that get in our way?

Here’s what I came up with — some barriers to motivation, along with some possible solutions.

1. Depression

As I’m fond of telling my clients, depressed people don’t pound the cyber pavement every day looking for a new job. They’re lucky if they can make it from the bed to the shower and out the door to their current job.

Solution: Slow down and look inside; heal what needs healing. Cry and gnash your teeth if necessary to wring out those closeted emotions. (See my recent article on Emotional Spring Cleaning for more on this topic.)

Of course I also recommend counseling for guidance and support.

2. Lack of Time

If you’ve got a full-time job, a child, or a Wii system, most of your waking hours are already spoken for. You might just feel like settling in and reading a book, rather than changing your life, when you’re done each day.

Solution: Examine where your time is going. Cut out portions of wasted time during the week and rearrange necessary activities for efficiency. Use freed up time for purposeful rest if needed.

3. Lack of Money

If you lack the funds to pursue your passion, you’re less likely to start that project even if you have the time.

If you don’t have the time OR the money, you really need passion because otherwise you’re truly stuck. At least if you had the money, you could pay someone to spend the time on your behalf.

Solution: Save all loose change in a fun-looking piggy bank or decorative jar and open a special “My Project” savings account at the bank. If you don’t use cash, or in addition to your piggy bank, allocate any amount — try for $5 a week to start — to this new account and watch it add up over time.

4. Lack of passion

Where there’s passion, there’s usually action. If you don’t feel passionate, it’s probably due to one of two things. Either you’re depressed (see #1 above) or else what you’re going after is just not your thing. Maybe it’s a “should” rather than a “want to”?

Solution: Let go. You can’t force passion, you can only obey it. Look inside; there’s something you’re into that makes you feel relaxed, happy and whole. As an adult, you’re allowed to actively pursue your (legal and ethical) passions, whatever they are.

*   *   *

Think of something you really want, that you don’t already have. If you’re working toward it, then congrats, you’re on the right track!

If you’re not doing anything about it, the way I’m not doing anything about my living room, ask yourself which of the four factors above might be the culprit(s), and try out the suggested solutions.

Got another solution to share? Please leave a comment.

Photo couresty of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Are You On Emotional Autopilot?

Many years ago when I lived in New York City, I helped a friend execute a brilliant gift idea for her mother’s birthday.

Because her mom lived far away, they couldn’t be together to celebrate, so my friend decided to send her something very special.

First, she made a giant sign that said HAPPY BIRTHDAY with her mom’s name on it.

Phase One complete.

Then she carried that enormous sign with her (on the subway, no less) to a series of recognizable New York City landmarks, and asked strangers to hold it up and wave while she took their picture.

She created a photo montage of kooky, joyful, personalized birthday greetings from the Big Apple for her mom to cherish, a unique and wonderful gift that I’m sure was a great hit in Oklahoma.

A Rejection Story

I think it was the quirk factor and the sheer brazenness of it that made me want to accompany my friend on her photo shoot that day.

We started on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Everyone my friend approached was friendly and open. They held the sign before the camera with apparent glee, smiling and waving for the benefit of an unknown woman about to have a birthday halfway across the country.

Individuals, groups, everyone my friend approached seemed tickled to be part of the project.

But when our momentum carried us to Grand Central Station, we encountered our first speed bump.

Emotional Autopilot in Action

I was standing aside at this point, letting my newly extroverted friend work her magic on passers-by. She’d gotten good at recruiting people and seemed to be enjoying herself.

I watched as she approached a particular man near the ticket counters and started her “be in my mom’s birthday card” pitch.

I saw the man decline, and not in a friendly way.

The rejection was unexpected, given our raging success so far. I felt a pang of dismay for my friend, who was a sensitive soul not disinclined to embarrassment.

But my friend didn’t miss a beat. She changed her flight plan in mid-air and swooped down on the next closest stranger. Done and done.

When she was finished and came back to where I was standing, I told her what I’d seen.

“When that first man said No, you didn’t even pause. You turned right around and went after someone else. You must have experienced a moment of rejection. Did you feel it?”

(I was not yet a therapist, but I did have an eye on human behavior and a lack of conversational discretion.)

Graciously, my friend did not slap me.

Instead, she thought about it and agreed that the rejection had taken her by surprise, and stung a little, and she’d chosen to ignore it.

Truth Hurts… But Consider the Alternative

The auto-pilot response of continuing along as if nothing had happened is something almost all of us do, at least some of the time.

You can’t always afford to pause and let stuff sink in. You’ve got places to go, people to see, things to do.

But if you ignore the truth of your experience — in this case, a small rejection by a stranger — most of the time, pretty soon it becomes automatic.

Pretty soon, it’s hard to tell the truth of your experience.

If you always tell yourself “It doesn’t matter,” “It’s no big deal,” etc., then you could find yourself living a life in which nothing matters to you.

… Which is kind of depressing, don’t you think?

It’s a paradox; sometimes you have to embrace pain in order to keep it manageable. By letting little “ouches” sink in, you can stay in contact with your heart and the truths it contains.

You never know when you might need them.

Photo courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What to Do When Your Feelings Are Hurt

When your feelings are hurt in a relationship, sometimes it seems like your only choices are 1) exact revenge, 2) stop talking to the person, or 3) try to forgive and forget.

But there’s another choice, one that’s often the better way to go with relationships that are important to you, and that is to communicate about what happened and how you feel about it.

For many of us, that’s a tall order. We have to be able to sort through our hurt feelings first AND we have to have the self-esteem to assert that our feelings matter in relationships.

So how do you get there from here? I believe the 2-step process below helps with both tasks.

But before we get there, please vote for the answer that best applies to you:

Now here’s that 2-step process I mentioned to deal with those hurt feelings. This will help make sure they don’t stay that way for long.

Feel It to Heal It

1. Notice how you feel.

Feelings that are consciously and fully accepted don’t stick around. You’ll feel better sooner if you embrace this step.

Just acknowledging your feelings silently in your own head, without self-judgment, creates a kind of heart-magic that will move you out of those feelings and into a better state before you know it.

While you’re embracing your hurt feelings, remember it doesn’t matter if the person meant to hurt you or not.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re “right” to feel hurt. This isn’t a courtroom, it’s just you here. There’s no judge, no jury…  just a plaintiff and an advocate if you will, both of whom are you.

Keep it simple. You’re either hurt or you’re not. You know it when you feel it.

If you’re hurt, tell yourself, “I’m hurt by what happened (or what he said, or what she did, etc.) I feel so ______ … “

• Rejected
• Betrayed
• Abandoned
• Attacked
• Demeaned (denigrated, diminished, disrespected, dang! so many D-words)

Fill in the blank with the word or words that fit.

2. Make sense of your feelings

Tell yourself why you’re hurt.

Don’t think evidence; think explanation.

Don’t seek proof; seek to understand.

Remember, this is not a courtroom. You don’t have anything to prove.

What you do need is a way to make sense of your feelings. Here’s an example of what you might say to yourself to do that.

I’m hurt because:

• I value her opinion; I’m worried she’s right
• I thought he had my back
• I’ve given too much of my time and energy to be treated this way
• S/he doesn’t seem to know me at all, even though s/he should by now

Etc. Really think about making sense of your feelings. Because if you pay attention, they do make sense. It’s not just chaos in there, even if it sometimes feels that way.

Once you come up with a way to understand your feelings, tell yourself, “NO WONDER I’m hurt!” And believe it.

When you’ve given yourself this attention…

When you’ve really listened to your heart…

THEN you’ll be in a better position to decide what, if anything, to do about the fact that So-and-So hurt your feelings.

None of us wants to go off half-cocked and take out our feelings on someone else. Following the recipe above will help you avoid that.

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